Professor Graham’s Top Nine Failed Attempts to Increase His SSRN Downloads

9. Offering Justin Bieber $2,500 to rave about latest article on Twitter

8. Frequent integration of trendy words and phrases like “jeggings,” “Winning!” and “Tebowing” into article titles

7. Legally changing my name to “Eddie Murphy” for one month prior to, and following, the posting of each new piece, because if Eddie Murphy were to write a law-review article, that would really be something else

6. Ill-fated promise to students that if I get up to 5,000 total downloads, A+ grades for everyone, unless I don’t like them

5. Offering Charlie Sheen $2,500 to rave about latest article on Twitter

4. Having article titles painted on the sides of the turkeys thrown from the WKRP helicopter pursuant to their Thanksgiving giveaway

3. Extensive unsuccessful efforts to have Oprah name “Why Torts Die” as her Book of the Month

2. “Rick-Rolling” people over from Cass Sunstein’s latest article on SSRN

1. Prominent advertisements that each article is guaranteed to be “100 percent Kardashian-Free”

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5 Responses

  1. Kyle says:

    These three just missed the cut:

    12. Larding each article with coupons for complimentary wax when you purchase full detailing service at local car wash

    11. Fruitless pursuit of the “Kozinski Agrees” seal of approval for each piece, along with the accompanying decal, signed certificate, and gift basket

    10. Trying, and failing, to write a coherent, thoughtful article

  2. Matt Bodie says:

    “The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement!”

  3. josh says:

    nice, prof. graham. #1 would definitly attract me

  4. Miriam Cherry says:

    Quite funny – really enjoying your blogging!

  5. Miriam Cherry says:

    Here’s another potential component for the list: give administrative assistant the task of downloading the article from different locations in the law school….