Tea Partier New Year’s Resolutions

Heard around town amid the blizzard, some top New Year’s Resolutions Tea Party members are considering this year.

1. Get education by home schooling or charter schools, not public schools—skip the Department of Education at all governmental levels.

2. Buy all medicine in Canada, not in the United States—skip the Food and Drug Administration and government-sanctioned patent laws.

3. Never fly commercial—take only charter flights and beat not only the crowds but the Federal Aviation Administration.

4. Buy all guns in interior states—minimize oversight by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

5. Conduct all political activities using a 501(c) to avoid public disclosure of political activity and regulation by the Federal Election Commission.

6. Submit all legal disputes to binding private arbitration—never use public courts.

7. Take advantage of all off-shore opportunities, especially tax shelters, to minimize payments to the Internal Revenue Service.

8. Raise financial capital using private equity, not an IPO—skip regulation by the Securities and Exchange Commission.

9. Use off-balance sheet financing as much as possible—skip adherence to statements of the Financial Accounting Standards Board.

10. Guard US citizenship jealously—subject immigrants to strict oversight and law enforcement by the U.S. Border Patrol.

Privatizing life has never been easier!

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13 Responses

  1. Superstantial says:

    Charter schools are public schools, though.

  2. Trollope says:

    And keep the government’s hand’s off my Medicare!

  3. Ha ha says:

    Well done.

  4. AYY says:

    Somehow I am left with the impression that the sources of these resolutions are the imaginations of law school professors yukking it up in the paneled dining room on the faculty yacht as the servants clear away the dishes.

    Prof Cunningham: If someone wrote something like your post in the comments, you’d have reason to delete the comment on the grounds that (to quote the comments policy):
    “Since our aim is for a discussion that is civil and intelligent, we may delete comments that strike us as stupid, that don’t contribute to the debate, or that are . . not in the spirit of reasoned discourse.”

    No. 1 makes sense in many situations. But it’s not just Tea Party members who send their kids to private and charter schools. As I recall Chelsea Clinton went to a private school when she lived in DC. No. 10 is incomprehensible. The reasonableness of the others varies and in some cases would depend on the circumstances, but quite frankly you sound like you’ve never met anyone who is part of the
    Tea Party. I think you’ve confused the Tea Party with the Anarchist party.

    If you could shed any light about what rumors are floating around town amid the blizzard about the New Year’s resolutions of individual members of the Democratic Party, I’m sure they’d be the source of many a chuckle.

  5. cal lawyer says:

    AYY–Lighten up! The post is a joke!

  6. AYY says:

    Cal Lawyer,

    Afraid I can’t agree with you. There’s a difference between snark and humor. Snark usually only works if the target is pretentious, narcissistic, pompous, or something along that line. It’s out of place if the point is to show superiority over the target by making the target appear earnest but unenlightened.

  7. AYY's Right, You know says:

    If the post was intended as a joke, I think AYY’s second critique is on point. If the post was not intended as a joke, then AYY’s first critique is correct.

  8. C. B. Kennedy says:

    Interesting, and amusing, list of ways in which the sophisticated can go off the grid.

  9. Willton says:

    Snark usually only works if the target is pretentious, narcissistic, pompous, or something along that line.

    Many would argue that a significant number of Tea Party members, especially those with public visibility (e.g., Palin, Angle, Bachman, Miller, Beck, Hannity), meet the above description.

  10. JohnLopresti says:

    re. item 5, FEC avoidance. Check out new paper about revising taxation of nonprofit entities which avail themselves of exempt status to engage in political speech:
    There is more than 501(c) status and stability of election campaign regulation at stake.

    Otherwise, I see the post’s list of The Ten Appropriate Irresolutenesses as a splended way for the Tea Party Cadre to ponder the eternal political verities while perched on some promontory as the next year and next decade advance over this night.

  11. AYY says:

    Hate to beat a dead horse, but it’s posts like this that result in false claims like this: http://bigjournalism.com/pjsalvatore/2011/02/11/time-magazine-joins-in-repeating-fake-sarah-palin-story/

  12. LaLaLa says:

    AYY, maybe you should be concerned about the proposals to make up stuff in the Chamber of Commerce/Bank of America/HBGary scandal.

  13. AYY says:

    Oh no. You mean they’re blaming the Tea Party for that one too/