An Obvious Idea

Via Goldberg, I came across a patent application for a “Full body teleportation system.” The story behind the invention follows after the jump, but shows how inspiration can strike some geniuses seemingly at random.

The basis for this invention is an event, referring to FIG. 1, occurring on May 2, 2004, in which the inventor (“he”) personally experienced a full-body teleportation while walking to the bus stop (A) along a road (B) that runs perpendicular to the nearby commercial airport runways where planes are landing. There is a wide iron grating (D) for water drainage that crosses the road at the center of the bus stop. The grating width is such that one has to make a concerted effort to jump across it in order to get from one side to the other. Approximately 50 meters from the iron grating, he (E) felt a vertical wave (F), similar to a flag waving in the breeze, traveling down the street toward the bus stop. The wave velocity was about 1 meter per second, which was slightly faster than his walking speed. In the next instance, he (G) found himself down the street near the corner of the next block. Realizing that he had passed the bus stop, he turned around to see the iron grating approximately 50 meters up the street in back of him. Because there was no recollection of having jumped across the iron grating nor of having passed the bus stop’s yellow marker line, he realized that he had been teleported a distance of 100 meters while moving along with the traveling wave. It was obvious that the wave was pulsed because the front edge overtook the inventor, moved with him momentarily, and then the back edge of wave left him as it moved on down the street. While contemplating this sequence of events, he then looked up and saw in a span of a few seconds a twin-turboprop airplane (C) in the distance crossing above the road while making a shallow descent in order to land at the airport.

[0003] It took a number of days in order to understand this sequence of events. The explanation involves knowledge of a wide range of subjects such as gravitation physics, hyperspace physics, wormhole electromagnetic theory and experimentation, quantum physics, and the nature of the human energy field.

[0004] It is obvious from the above scenario that the airplane momentarily crossing perpendicular to the road generates the aforementioned pulse . . . .

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3 Responses

  1. John Armstrong says:

    Okay, for once something here I’m an expert on.

    This is complete and utter nonsense. I mean, yeah, most of you probably already got that, but this is right up there in Transgressing The Boundaries territory.

  2. Dave Hoffman says:

    John. Maybe you aren’t seeing the light for failure to factor in the effects of the “human energy field?” It turns out to play an important role in this exciting new field.

  3. Valkor says:

    I can’t see why anyone would doubt this! It uses chakras and levitating chineese masters AND it was confirmed by aliens! Let’s not forget the fact that the soul weighs 71 grams, as was conclusively proved by one guy with a scale a hundred years ago.

    Of course, he still has to invent the machine that lets you get out of hyperspace after this invention flings you into it, so practical application is still a long way off. Well, maybe not. If he can put smoke on a one way trip into the 4th dimension, he must not have much of a garbage problem at home, either. He had better take it easy, or the grey aliens will tell him to stop throwing his trash into their dimension.

    I hope *everyone* in the Patent office gets a good laugh out of this one.