The NSA’s Santa Surveillance Program

I was able to obtain the latest National Security Agency (NSA) memo leaked by Edward Snowden.  I reprint it in full below.

TOP SECRET AND CLASSIFIED

THE NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY

SANTA SURVEILLANCE PROGRAM (SSP)

 

Intelligence reports have indicated an alarming amount of chatter between citizens of the United States and a foreign organization with unknown whereabouts somewhere near the North Pole.  The organization is led by an elderly bearded cleric with the alias, “Santa.”

We have probable cause to believe that this “Santa” organization is providing material support to terrorist cells in the United States.  On numerous occasions, “Santa” has reportedly entered the country illegally by flying across the border in a stealth aircraft.  He delivers contraband to various enemy combatants who request weapons and other military vehicles and aircraft.

For example, the intercepted letter below is from an enemy combatant by the name of “Johnny Smith”:

NSA Santa 01

Another letter, written by enemy combatant “Mikey Brown” – an alias for Michael Brown – indicates a desire for a weapon of mass destruction called “the Death Star.”   Mikey is now being questioned at an unidentified secure location.

Santa has an army of followers who call themselves “elves” and who train in Santa’s camp.  We fear that these elves are highly radicalized.

Based upon a recent dramatic increase in chatter between the Santa organization and enemy combatants in the U.S., we will initiate a new surveillance program caked the “Santa Surveillance Program” (SSP).

We will monitor all communications by all people everywhere.  For minimization standards, we will limit our surveillance to human beings only and not include other life forms.

The SSP will be ongoing until “Santa” is terminated by a drone attack.

Cross-posted at LinkedIn

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2 Responses

  1. PrometheeFeu says:

    I loved the minimization standards…

  2. N Cudmore says:

    Rudolph – GCHQ’s latest program leaked by Snowden

    According to the latest leaks obtained from Edward Snowden, GCHQ have been increasingly worried about the huge increase in both electronic traffic to the domain ‘northpole.net’ and old-fashioned ‘letters’, addressed to ‘Santa’ at The North Pole. He produced documents that confirmed that GCHQ has been monitoring the internet traffic from the UK, and emails sent. Which it seems are not just from people with UK citizenship. They even have records of foreign nationals as well. One document showed just how friendly a certain Ms Kylie Minogue (AUS), clearly was with the Santa Organisation. Records show how she refers to Santa in such endearing terms such as ‘Santa Baby‘, ‘Santa honey’ and even ‘Santa cutie’, and in it she requests several times that he should ‘hurry down the chimney tonight’.

    In another memo it states that “we are concerned about this ‘chimney’ as a major pipeline of entry into the UK which is not being protected by the UK Boarder Agency; as we cannot confirm the precise location in question”. Apparently in response to a follow-up memo questioning if Ms Minogue was not just referring to a simple old-fashioned structure in a house which rises above a roof, the reply stated “This simply is not the case since, Ms Minogue is asking for delivery of various items such as a ’54 convertible in light blue’ and a yacht. Clearly neither of which would fit down such a structure”.

    In another memo from GCHQ, it was shown that across the pond the NSA also had been monitoring via their ‘Santa Surveillance Program (SSP)’ – quote “alarming amount of chatter between citizens of the United States and a foreign organization with unknown whereabouts somewhere near the North Pole”. This is not the first time this increase in chatter had been observed.

    Further documents show how Santa’s minions who call themselves “elves” train in Santa’s camp, and produce vast amounts of contraband which Santa delivers throughout the UK which is smuggled in via this ‘chimney’ route and thus avoids Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC).

    Meanwhile the Americans at North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) have set up a “Santa tracker” which even has a ‘declassified publicly viewable’ version of the tracking system at http://www.noradsanta.org/ in hopes of catching him.

    Whilst the Americans had stated that their SSP will be ongoing until “Santa” is terminated by a drone attack. GCHQ were unwilling to terminate “Santa” at this time, until they had established the where a bouts of the ‘Chimney route’, and just how much contraband had been smuggled in.

    In one final memo, emanating from the PM’s Office, it showed concern over the possible influx of refugees. What would happen if the ‘dictator Santa’ is removed from power by the Americans, via a drone strike. Where will his minions go? Will they seek a life in the UK?

    A side note hand written on this memo suggests that the minions would in fact make cheap labour and given their skill set with being able to manufacture just about any ‘gift’, they could be used to build the HS2 link far cheaper and quicker than had previously been planned.