The Annals of Article Placement

To: Editor-In-Chief, Impressive Law Review
From: Kyle Graham
Date: January 5, 2012
Re: My Article “Madison’s ‘dock-Yards’? The Founding Fathers, Sailing, and Article I, section 8, clause 17 of the United States Constitution.”

Dear Sir or Madam,

Please find attached, for your review and publication consideration, a copy of my recent article, “Madison’s ‘dock-Yards’? The Founding Fathers, Sailing, and Article I, section 8, clause 17 of the United States Constitution.” As you will see, my scholarship sheds light on this heretofore overlooked, but (as I discuss) extremely important, provision.

I am prepared to give the Impressive Law Review exclusive publication rights for this piece until January 12, 2012.

Please contact me at your first convenience, should you wish to publish this article.

Regards,

Kyle Graham

***

To: Editor-In-Chief, Impressive Law Review
From: Kyle Graham
Date: January 12, 2012
Re: My Article “Madison’s ‘dock-Yards’? The Founding Fathers, Sailing, and Article I, section 8, clause 17 of the United States Constitution.”

This message follows upon my earlier note to you, sent via e-mail on January 5, 2012. As indicated in that e-mail, I had originally planned to make my article available to other journals as of today. However, I appreciate that with the New Year, the Winter Break, and the various college football bowl games on television, you may not have been able to turn to the piece quite yet. Or, perhaps, you did not receive my earlier e-mail; I know how sometimes these messages can get lost in the wires. Accordingly, I am pleased to relate that I will continue to hold my “exclusive” window open for another two weeks, through January 26, 2012.

Regards,

Kyle Graham

***

To: Editor-In-Chief, Impressive Law Review
From: Kyle Graham
Date: January 26, 2012
Re: My Article “Madison’s ‘dock-Yards’? The Founding Fathers, Sailing, and Article I, section 8, clause 17 of the United States Constitution.”

I am just about to distribute my article to a variety of other law journals via ExpressO—seriously, my right index finger is hovering above the “submit” button, even as my left hand types this message—but before I do, I want to make absolutely certain that you have (1) received the article; and (2) had an opportunity to review it.

Having not heard from you as yet, I assume the answer to both of these questions is “yes,” but one never knows.  I really think the piece is a good fit for your journal, especially seeing as how your law school is in a coastal state. Accordingly, I am pleased to relate that I will grant one final extension of my “exclusive” window, now holding it open to February 3, 2012.

Regards,

Kyle Graham

***

To: Editor-In-Chief, Impressive Law Review
From: Kyle Graham
Date: February 3, 2012
Re: My Article “Madison’s ‘dock-Yards’? The Founding Fathers, Sailing, and Article I, section 8, clause 17 of the United States Constitution.”

Just a friendly reminder that this is the expiration date of my “exclusive” offer!

Regards,

Kyle Graham

P.S. Did you get the gift basket I sent?

***

To: Editor-In-Chief, Impressive Law Review
From: Kyle Graham
Date: February 10, 2012
Re: My Article “Madison’s ‘dock-Yards’? The Founding Fathers, Sailing, and Article I, section 8, clause 17 of the United States Constitution.”

This letter follows upon my earlier communications. As previously related, I have circulated my article to other journals via ExpressO, such that my “exclusive” offer is no longer in effect. However, I remain open to publication with your journal; please contact me if interested.

Regards,

Kyle Graham

***

To: Editor-In-Chief, Impressive Law Review
From: Kyle Graham
Date: February 21, 2012
Re: My Article “Madison’s ‘dock-Yards’? The Founding Fathers, Sailing, and Article I, section 8, clause 17 of the United States Constitution.”

I have just received offers to have my article published by several highly reputable journals that I cannot disclose at this time and which I absolutely, positively did not just make up.  Given this turn of events, I ask that you expedite your consideration of my piece.

Regards,

Kyle Graham

***

To: Editor-In-Chief, Impressive Law Review
From: Kyle Graham
Date: February 29, 2012
Re: My Article “Madison’s ‘dock-Yards’? The Founding Fathers, Sailing, and Article I, section 8, clause 17 of the United States Constitution.”

Thank you very much for your letter of February 24, 2012; it is nice to finally hear from you, and to put an autopen signature to your journal’s face.

I admit that I was both surprised and impressed by your diligence in checking with the editorial board of, apparently, every other law journal in the United States and Canada.  Based on your report, I must acknowledge that I may have misconstrued their prior communications to me.  In my defense, how was I to know that an advisement that my article was “under review” was anything less than a binding commitment to publish?  I’m just a law professor, not a rocket scientist, after all.

In any event, I do hope that this little misunderstanding does not affect your continued consideration of my article. I remain eager to see it published in your journal.

I may be in the neighborhood of your institution for a conference within the next few weeks.  If so, I hope you will not mind if I take the liberty of dropping by your office to discuss the potential publication of my piece.

Regards,

Kyle Graham

***

To: Editor-In-Chief, Impressive Law Review
From: Kyle Graham
Date: March 12, 2012
Re: My Article “Madison’s ‘dock-Yards’? The Founding Fathers, Sailing, and Article I, section 8, clause 17 of the United States Constitution.”

I write this letter to acknowledge my receipt of a restraining order, apparently taken out by your publication against me.

In response, this letter also serves as a formal withdrawal of my article, “Madison’s ‘dock-Yards’? The Founding Fathers, Sailing, and Article I, section 8, clause 17 of the United States Constitution” from consideration by your publication.  This is your loss, but I feel that your recent actions leave me no choice in the matter.

Regards,

Kyle Graham

P.S. There was a glaring citation error on page 2340 of your last volume.  Which sucked, by the way.

***

To: Editor-In-Chief, Impressive Law Review
From: Kyle Graham
Date: May 26, 2012
Re: My Article “Madison’s ‘dock-Yards’? The Founding Fathers, Sailing, and Article I, section 8, clause 17 of the United States Constitution.”

How are you doing? Well, I hope.  How are classes?  Looking forward to that post-graduation clerkship?

I also hope that you realize by now that I was just joking with my last message. If you don’t remember, don’t worry about it. It was nothing important. I simply wanted to “lighten” what I am certain is a laborious review process for you and your staff.

In any event, I write to offer my article “Madison’s ‘dock-Yards’? The Founding Fathers, Sailing, and Article I, section 8, clause 17 of the United States Constitution” for inclusion in your online journal “Supplement.” As you will see, I have modified the introduction and thesis so as to draw a closer connection to the 2013 America’s Cup, such that I believe the piece will be cited frequently in connection with that regatta.

Please contact me at your first convenience, should you wish to publish this article.

Regards,

Kyle Graham

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2 Responses

  1. Eric Goldman says:

    Hope springs eternal for law professors

  2. AnonProf says:

    Memo:
    To: Dan Solove
    From: Me
    Date: Eternal
    Re: Privacy

    Dan,

    I would appreciate your having a talk with Kyle about his posting. He apparently got into my e-mail server and lifted that entire exchange from my confidential files. By the way, I was in the right in that matter. The law review was in the wrong. And, in the alternative, it never happened.

    In Privacy We Stand!

    Me